Hollywood Fans Lose Two More Beautiful People

August 1, 2000

by guru mumu

Unless you were in a coma the past few days, you should be aware of the latest buzz in Hollywood. No, I'm not talking about Pamela Lee's latest breast implants…I'm talking about the Jennifer Aniston-Brad Pitt wedding. Who isn't??

The past few days, all of America stood vigil, speculating and obsessing whether this pretty duo was going to do (or attempt to do) the happily-ever-after thing. Fans and media alike did so much prying and investigating, they made the CIA look like pet detectives.

And the verdict? Despite all the denying and hiding, the hush-hush and wink-wink, Aniston and Pitt did do the deed. Darn it. I was going to marry Brad. After I was through with Tom Cruise.

So what's this obsession we have with celebrity weddings? Why do we get bug-eyed and big-eared when rumours of a Hollywood hitching begin to linger in the air?

Well, 'cuz we're nosy. Plain and simple. We like to get into other people's business, to know what they're doing, to know what they've done and where they've been. And we get even nosier…a lot nosier when it comes to famous people. We're in awe of them. They almost don't seem real to us. C'mon. Can you really imagine Jennifer Aniston or Brad Pitt going potty? Personally, I live by the illusion that people from Hollywood don't perform any biological functions…except sex. Hehehe. And I'm sure they look good doing that, too! Do they even sweat?!

There's also the idea of living vicariously through other people. What are the odds of us regular folk splurging 1 million dollars on a wedding?? Um…ZERO?? And what are the odds of me waking up every morning for the rest of my life next to Brad Pitt?? Um…NEGATIVE FIFTY THOUSAND?? See? This is what I mean. Since 99.99% of the stuff that happens to Hollywood celebrities can never happen to ordinary people, ordinary people just watch the lucky few as they back in the glory of their fame and fortune.

But don't fret, my pets. There is an upside to simply gazing at the stars as they shine. At least we don't have to go through the crap that they have to go through. We can just watch them as they go through crises on an alarmingly regular basis. Sure, we can envy them when ladyluck is on their lap but what happens when their lives take a turn for the worse? Let's all admit it. There's that evil part of us that delights in their misfortune. Don't lie now. We really know what's up: "Oh, my! Liz Hurley and Hugh Grant broke up?? How sad." Translation: "So that wannabe actress finally left that horny loser, huh? "Britney Spears got a head injury while filming her latest video! What a tragedy!" Translation: "She deserved a good bonk on the head. Maybe she'll wise up and realize that lip syncing does not make for a good 'live' concert."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that we Hollywood outsiders are evil. We're not. We're only human. And it just so happens that there are a select few out there who, although gorgeous and famous, live their lives in the public eye. And that means their dirty laundry is for us to feast our eyes on and wag our tongues about. Fame and fortune does come with a price.

So next time you feel yourself getting that familiar twinge of jealousy when you see or read about a celebrity getting all the goodies, just think: "Hey, at least when I get dumped and get my already broken heart stomped on, the whole world doesn't know about it…and the whole world doesn't laugh at me!!"

Some celebrities will argue that the benefits of stardom far outweigh the costs. Translation: "It was worth getting my bony body photographed nude in the French Riviera because hey, I got to do the kinky with Brad." -Gwyneth Paltrow

But Brad is now doing the kinky - for life - with Jennifer Aniston. So was it really worth it, then? Don't you just love Hollywood??