You Can Now See Movies For Free!

February 14, 2001

by guru mumu

Yup, you can now see new releases right in the comfort of your living room, FOR FREE! Yeah! Yeah! Thanks to annoying spoiler movie reviews. With these pests giving away the entire movie in a matter of mere seconds, who needs to haul-ass to the nearest theatre, spend some valuable cash, and sit still for two hours?! What's up with that?? Whatever happened to the element of surprise and suspense?? Remember the previews for "What Lies Beneath"? "Castaway"? "Miss Congeniality"? "Antitrust"…To name a few? And the latest preview spoiler to emerge from Party Pooper Land is that of "Sweet November." Can we say D-UH! Thanks for giving away the entire plot and oomph of the movie! Okay, if you don't know what I'm talking about by now and you plan on seeing this Keanu Reeves - Charlize Theron tearjerker, here's some sacred advice: Turn off your TV until you go see the movie because chances are, you're going to see a preview that's going to spoil the entire film for you.

Now why do stupid people do this? That's the question I've been pondering over ever since a preview for "Castaway" showed Tom Hanks coming home to Helen Hunt. Well, I came across one answer, at least. Robert Zemeckis, who directed both "What Lies Beneath" and "Castaway" said in an interview that he purposely gives away the main surprises and twists in his films during the previews because, well, Ztupid Zemeckis doesn't like surprises. So he figures he'll just deprive the rest of us of surprises as well. Dumbass. So basically, this guy doesn't make films to entertain or provoke. He makes films so that when people go see them, they already know what (and everything!!) they're going to see. Again: dumbass. Thanks for deciding for all of us moviegoers what we want!!

Another possible answer to why movie previews have become major spoilers can be summed up in one word: money. The bottom line is that movies are not made by the people for the people. They're made by money-hungry movie outfits and directors for well, the money-hungry movie outfits and directors. Whatever they say goes. If they think doing things a certain way is going to make them more money, then they're going to do things their way, regardless of the moviegoers, who, if I may mention, generate this whole movie-making business. If they truly believe that it's going to make them more money if they give away the best parts of the films, so be it.

You can also look at it another way. I asked a coworker of mine to theorize on this whole preview spoiler thing. She said that movie studios give away the best parts in the previews to entice people to watch. They'll say, "Ooooooh. Looks good. Have to go see" (in a Neanderthal-like manner). Again, it's all about the money.

But then again, yet another coworker interjected, saying, "Why would you pay to see a movie if all the good parts have been given away? Hmmm…good point. So this whole give-away-everything-to-entice-people-to-see-it-so-we-make-more-money scheme just could be a double-edged sword. It could work or it just might blow up in the greasy faces of those movie-making suits.

So here's the question: Why are moviegoers being charged like, ten to twelve something dollars to see something they've pretty much already seen? But then again, why ARE moviegoers paying ten to twelve something dollars to see something they've already seen? I'm a movie critic so I have to see movies, no matter how badly they've been spoiled by the previews. What's your excuse??