Watching Movies May Cause Gallstones

October 10, 2000

by guru mumu

If you've been to the movies lately, then you would've noticed that they're hella long. Like back-hurting, ass-numbing, bladder-filling long. It's great to relax and stare at a silver screen and forget about reality for a while…but there is such a thing as getting too much of a good thing!

It's extra torturous when the movie you're watching is horrible, to the point where every minute you spend in your seat is about as much fun as getting an enema. An hour and a half is good. An hour and forty-five is pushing it. Over two hours is just plain abuse. And it's not like I can leave before the movie is over. That just defeats the purpose of paying eleven dollars to watch a flick. And besides, what kind of reviews would we be writing here if we didn't nobly endure the torture of sitting through a 2-hour plus movie so we could see its ending and comment on it?

I'm pretty sure that there's a logical explanation to this recent movie-a-thon phenomenon. It could very well be that movie outfits want moviegoers to feel like they're getting their money's worth by watching long-ass films. Fair enough. But does falling asleep, getting pins and needles, or holding your pee, qualify as getting your money's worth? Nope. Not in my books, anyways.

It's extra bad for me because I have a small bladder that likes to unload at a moment's whim. And it's pretty damn impressionable, too. The sound of water, the thought of water, the site of water, the sight of a washroom, make we want to pee. Shucks. What do you know? Writing that last sentence just gave me the desire to visit the porcelain god. Damn. Okay. What's my point in telling you this tantalizing part of my biological functioning? Well, when I'm stuck watching a long, long flick, I can't go to the can for fear that I'm going to miss something really good! I can go to the bathroom and ask to be filled in when I get back, but we all know that doing so just ain't as good as the real thing. And when you're a movie critic, the real thing is important in giving an accurate report. Woe is me. My poor bladder, my poor person, suffer in silence! I think I'm on my way to gallstone city. And how did I get there, exactly? By going to the movies. Now how about that?

By the same token, I bet there are a few million people out there who are excited by the thought of watching a really long movie. I'm talking about couples who use going to the movies as an excuse to suck face. Yes, these people still exist. They are the ones who can't make out in their own houses for fear of getting caught or in their cars for fear of providing passers by with some free entertainment…and they also can't afford a motel; going to a movie theatre to fulfill their hormonal desires is far cheaper than renting a room at the Holiday Inn.

Unfortunately, I'm not one of the lucky ones who get thrilled by the idea of necking in a movie theatre…um, perhaps because I don't have anyone (or anything) to make out with, unless you count my arm. So I find a too-long movie quite tedious. I appreciate the filmmakers' grand gesture of trying to give me my money's worth. Don't get me wrong. It's just a bit too much of a good thing, not to mention dangerous to my bladder. It's a plain case of a good intention gone bad. Sigh. I'm pretty sure there's a perfect compromise for this. Oooh, oooh, I know! They could turn movie theatre seats into stink-free port-a-potties and each moviegoer would have a hot make-out partner! Yeah, that's it! Man, if they do that, then things would be cool. Oh, wait. Then does that mean people would have to strip down while watching the movie so they could go potty in their port-a-potty seats? Hmmm…Hey now. That's actually not a bad idea, now is it?!