Bless the Child (2000)

The Long Review:

Do you believe in God? Do you believe in the devil? Bless the Child sure makes you. This film is about a six year-old (Holliston Coleman) abandoned by her occult member mother (Angela Bettis) to be raised by her psychiatric nurse aunt (Kim Basinger). The child is strange and withdrawn and is eventually diagnosed with autism. Well, it turns out that in her case, autism is actually a symptom of holiness: She is Jesus coming back for his (or her? We don't know anymore. We're so confused!) much-awaited Second Coming. And the Devil's Advocate himself (Rufus Sewell), the husband of the child's druggie mother who pops out of nowhere to reclaim her, is out to stop her from saving mankind by making like Darth Vader and trying to get her to the Dark Side. Whew! Poor kid! No wonder her favourite hobby is banging her head against the wall.

It's an interesting concept, meant to scare the bejesus (no pun intended) out of you and get you thinking about some really heavy stuff. Does it work? No. Is it scary? Not even close. Maybe it's because Kim Basinger and her long blond locks are the leads. Or maybe because we were too distracted by Rufus Sewell's wandering right eye. Whatever it was, we weren't scared. What we were, was bored.

This movie is S-L-O-W. Instead of dreading the thriller stuff (which was scarce) the way you're supposed to at a horror movie, you find yourself begging for it just so you don't fall into a snooze. The buildup takes too long and it builds up to well…nothing. The plot isn't all that original so you know what' s going to happen. And the attempts at special effects are pathetic, really. We bet even Pokemon 2000 could've done better.

Is there anything good about the movie? Well, yeah. Holliston Coleman is an excellent Saviorette. Rufus Sewell makes a very convincing demon. And Christina Ricci plays a role that is second nature to her: all-black wearing, creepy rebel teen. It was only Kim Basinger, really, who forgot her acting chops at home. And the dialogue's not that bad, especially that key scene we saw in the previews, where the bad, bad man dares the good little girl to jump off the building to prove her faith. To which she says, After you.

After you. Now that's a good phrase to use when people recommend that you see this film. But you should add a little more. You should say After you suck all the toe jam from my grungy feet.

Ebert's satisfaction:

ebert says	moviegurus say